When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
nyc:
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…