Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Lucky for them, they’re cute
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
classic mixup
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
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