Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
had to make it
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.