I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.