I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
You Might Also Like
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
🔦🌙👣
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
A completely valid reaction tbh
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.