On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
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The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.