People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
When your man makes a valid point