i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
*offers Batman cough drops*
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.