[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild