Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
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*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now