Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids