*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing