I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
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Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I love wikipedia
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what