We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
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My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
My dress code is business-casualty.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I am patiently waiting for your email
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.