You Might Also Like
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.