[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
*checks Timeline*…
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma