3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
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fixed it
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract