It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m giving up ice.