You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)