Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
The 6 types of sex
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”