god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.