Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao