Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
You Might Also Like
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
PLEASE READ
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.