[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
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It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
O Wise One….
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.