ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
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Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I need a headline like this
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile