[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
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Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
What an awful time to have common sense.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”