I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin