If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”