I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
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I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.