Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
You Might Also Like
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My dad teaching me to drive
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?