Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Banking tips
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.