Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Haha! 😂
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?