Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
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Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”