I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
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“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.