We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
3% human
97% stress
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.