every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
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Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
God making man in his image was the original selfie
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
titanic
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what