Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
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That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.