I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
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Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
never deleting this app.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.