“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.