Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?