At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
“and how does that make you feel?”
Incredible customer service.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.