A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Danger is very dangerous
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
*3.5 thank you very much.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort