Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
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“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk