Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
#DesignFail
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.