“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
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fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*