Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
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Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it