[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
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[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Wait a minute
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults