Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
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I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.