My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
This kid is going places
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
#Caturday
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*