Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Mice are just frozen Mwater.